


The shadow of our past

by Sweetss80



Series: A new life [4]
Category: SS-GB (TV)
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Father-Son Relationship, Love conquers everything, M/M, Repressed Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2019-09-25 12:48:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17121662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweetss80/pseuds/Sweetss80
Summary: Douglas looks back and finds himself lost in the past. Oskar is finally ready to share the unknown part of his life with Douglas.





	1. A revelation

The snowman is starting to look impressive. It was Douggie's idea to make a snowman in our garden. There has been enough snow in the past few days that the landscape has turned into a magical white world. Our house looks beautiful with all kinds of ornaments and in the living room there is a real Christmas tree with flickering lights.

It’s Christmas Eve and every time I am overcome by a sort of melancholy feeling. It always reminds me of earlier times when my wife was still alive and the world wasn’t  at war yet. Although I feel at home here, Christmas will always be a special period for me. 

I watch amusedly at Oskar and Douggie who are building the snowman with combined forces. Douggie found some old stuff in the barn for the decoration of the doll. The items are patiently waiting for the snowman to finish. 

Unfortunately I can’t participate. I fell a few days ago and my wrist feels bruised. Oskar has my wrist well tied and I notice that the pain is less. But active participation doesn’t happen this time. I am therefore warmly packed outside on the couch. 

Jill, the little dog from Douggie, keeps me company. She’s relaxing in my lap. I really started to love this creature. Douggie had his own idea about naming the dog Jill, after my deceased wife. My wife was a warm and loving person who had an eye for the people she loved. She knew exactly when it wasn’t going well with her loved ones, and she took that into account. 

It seems like the dog has taken over this task. She keeps watch over the three of us, and when she notices that one of us is feeling bad, she is lying comfortably with her head on his lap until we feel happy again. It works almost therapeutically. Oskar is also crazy about the animal. 

 _Oskar_  ...... I look with an endearing gaze at his tall and athletic figure. I still have to think back to the moment we saw each other for the first time in that warehouse. I was totally out of place in my black tie that evening. The look he gave me under his officer's cap then ... It has changed everything in my life. 

 _Oskar_  ... the moment he touched my face for the first time, his look full of passion and desire ... the moment we first made love with each other. I feel myself getting warm when I think back. 

He looks at me suddenly, and a little bit caught, I turn my gaze away. In his eyes, however, I read that he knows what is going on inside me. I can never keep it hidden from him.  _Never_. 

The snowman is now completely finished and rigged and he looks beautiful. Douggie is completely delighted and enthusiastically rushed up the porch. He strokes Jill exuberantly and then embraces me passionately, almost hurting my wrist again. 

"Quiet Douggie, quiet! Think of my wrist, please! " I warn him. Douggie looks at me apologetically. "Sorry daddy, did I hurt you?"

I have to laugh again. "No, my son. But that didn’t matter much! Come, go in and make a cup of hot chocolate. We'll be right there." 

Douggie disappears with Jill in the house and a little later I hear him rummaging in the kitchen. He likes to prepare small things for himself. 

Oskar sits next to me, puts an arm around me and kisses me half on my cheek and half on my mouth. He lovingly caresses my face. "Do you think about the past again?" He asks.

"Yes, but I'm not sad," I answer and I put my head on his shoulder. He pulls me firmly against him and I feel the warmth of his body against mine. 

For a while we remain silent, satisfied in each other's company. I suddenly realize that Oskar doesn’t have anyone except me and Douggie. At least, I never heard him talk about family members. He doesn’t like to talk about his father and when he does it he becomes so emotional that I have the greatest difficulty in of calming him. 

A feeling of regret overtakes me. I may have to pay a little more attention to Oskar. I have become so accustomed to it that he’s always there for me that I sometimes forget that it’s not self-evident. 

"Oskar," I ask him. "How do you feel now? I mean ... we have been here for a while in this fantastic place and I notice that you’re feeling at home here. But don’t you ever feel alone? I just wanted to say ... I have my son but you have nobody else, except your ... .. " I keep quiet, suddenly become insecure. I feel his body tighten and immediately I want I never asked that question. "I'm sorry," I whisper. "I am too fast."

But he corrects me. "No, you are not too fast. And no, I don’t feel alone. But I have always been alone. I didn’t have to count on my father. I have always had to help myself, I couldn’t ask advice from anyone. I have grown up too early, I think sometimes. Albrecht Springer did take me under his wing, but in the emotional field he was very poor. I actually realize that now ... after everything that we've gone through together." 

I listen carefully.

"I used to be able to be alone," he continues. "I had enough for myself. But I notice that it’s becoming increasingly difficult. I like being in your neighborhood and seeing Douggie play so cheerfully with Jill. I feel appreciated and accepted again ... as a man ... ..thanks to you .... " And he looks at me, his crystal blue eyes full of emotion. I feel his fingers glide over my face.

I can’t say a word, so speechless I am of his explanation. Before I can say anything, Douggie puts his head outside the door. "Are you coming in? I’ve made hot chocolate for you!"

We smile at each other and go inside where the smell of hot chocolate meets us. Two steaming mugs with chocolate are on the kitchen table. I take a sip. The cocoa is a little too strong but otherwise it tastes good. "Well done Douggie!" I compliment him and my son is beaming from ear to ear. Oskar also raises his thumb.

We spend the rest of the evening around the crackling fire, gifts and the treats Oskar has made. Still, after all this time, I’m not a good cook. Jill jumps up and down happily and makes us all laugh with her crazy antics.

I look at Oskar and for the first time I see total relaxation on his face. He has shaken off the soldier's armor and the real Oskar is starting to awaken. 

And I have the idea that he is finally ready to reveal the unknown part of his life ...


	2. Oskar tells his story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not the happiest chapter perhaps but it's very relevant for my story.

The new year has arrived. It was special to celebrate the New Years eve in our new home. I've never seen Douggie so happy. He has progressed tremendously. He has made another huge growth spurt and the timidity that plagued him when we lived in London has completely disappeared. Oskar, however, has been struggling for a few days. I think I have a suspicion about it but I wait until he’s ready.

And one day it's time. Oskar and I are sitting by the cozy fireplace in the living room. On the coffee table there are two mugs with steaming tea and a plate with sandwiches. Jill is half-feathered by the fire. Douggie is working outside to take care of our little chicken coop.

"I have to tell you something," Oskar says to me. I look up at him with a bite of my sandwich in my mouth. "About my youth," he continues. Oskar stands up from the couch, walks to the gramophone and chooses a record. The living room fills with classical music. It’s a piano concerto by Mozart. I let myself be carried away by the melodic sounds of the piano. "How beautiful Oskar," I say, and I study his face.

He comes back next to me and grabs my hand. "This evokes nice memories of my mother when she was alive," he muses, staring at a point in the distance. I squeeze his hand in an encouraging way. "Go on," I urge him. Jill raises her head as if wondering where the music is coming from.

He smiles at me, but at the same time it’s a sad smile. I feel a lump in my throat. "You know I don’t have a good relationship with my father," he begins, a little stiff. I nod. Oskar continues his story. "My father was difficult to deal with. He demanded the very best from everyone, both from his students and from us as family members. There was no room for spontaneity. I don’t believe he was really loved by his students. He was rigid and infamous for his corporal punishment." He sighs.

"But your mother was clearly different," I suggest a little hesitantly. Oskar looks at me. His blue eyes begin to glisten. "My mother loved me the way I was. At a young age it turned out I was smart and able to learn well. My father exploited that. So I had to learn a lot more than other children of my age. I had to excel. Making mistakes was a mortal sin." Oskar takes a sip of his tea. Maybe that's why he was so perfectionistic in the beginning, I think. It explains his behavior in any case when I met him for the first time.

The piano part has now switched to violin music. It sounds heavenly. "This music is special for me," Oskar says. "It was the last concert I visited with my mother before she died. She noticed that music cheered me up. Because she saw that I almost couldn’t handle the stress, she took me to music concerts more often. My mother made my father think that it was part of a 'good classical education' and he agreed with this. I loved it when my mother took me with her. Then I could escape the demanding atmosphere at our home." Oskar is silent for a moment. I see that it clearly takes a lot of effort. I stroke his cheek and press an encouraging kiss.

Oskar’s face lights up. "The room, the orchestra, the entourage ... it was so beautiful! It made my mother clearly happy that I could enjoy it so much. I think it was also a pleasant break for her to get away from the tight straitjacket. After the concert we often took a cup of tea with a piece of cake in the restaurant before we went home. It was fantastic!" He laughs at that memory. I look at him. I have never seen my lover so open and emotional.

"My mother died when I was 15," says Oskar, and his face changes as if the memory is hurting him. "She sustained a double pneumonia. After her funeral there was no mention of my mother. My father forbade me to talk about her. And he meant it. If I didn’t listen, he would let me feel it. Anything reminded of my mother was removed from the house. The atmosphere became unbearable at home. As soon as possible I left my father’s house. I went to rooms, near the university where I started my law studies."

Oskar bows his head, and when he looks up his face is grim. "I will never,  _never_  forgive my father for ignoring my mother completely after her death. There was no reason for. When she died, it was as if a rib had been cut from my body. The pain was terrible. It took me years to give the death of my mother a place." He almost squeezes my hand. “Oskar!” I call and apologetically he releases my hand.

He turns to me. "I can imagine a little how you felt when Jill died. I'm sorry to bring it up." I shake my head. "That's okay, I understand what you mean." I immediately remembered our first car ride when Oskar had just arrived in London. He then said something similar to me.

"After her death, I decided to create emotional distance for myself. I never wanted to feel that terrible pain again. I haven’t been able to listen to music for a long time without those bad memories coming up ... and also that pain ... That terrible pain..... " Oskar says the latter almost with a whisper. He turns away from me and stares out.

The music has also ended and there is a silence in the living room. Only the scratching of the needle of the gramophone breaks the silence. Jill has now found the source of the sound and curiously sniffs the device. I almost laugh. It looks comical. I notice how the tension from my body slowly begins to disappear.

Oskar still doesn’t say anything and I start to worry a little. "Oskar ...Oskar ...Are you okay?" I ask him carefully and when he finally looks at me I see some beginning tears in his eyes. I feel the lump increase in my throat again. "I think it's brave what you just told me," I say and I pull him towards me and hold him for minutes.

"I thought you had the right to know," he replies eventually. He grabs my healthy hand and presses a kiss on it. "I think that we should now be ready to be open and honest with each other. You’re also the first person to know. Even Springer never knew about this. Springer didn’t really listen to it," he says, a little bitterly. The latter doesn’t surprise me. Springer gave to me the impression that science was more important than human emotions. Actually it surprises me that Springer has taken Oskar under his wing.

In the meanwhile Jill has walked to the kitchen door and scratches her front legs on the door as a sign that she wants to go out to do her need.

"Come on," I say to my lover and I pull him off the couch. "Let's get a breath of fresh air and see what Douggie is doing outside!" Oskar laughs to me and I see that it is a liberating laugh. He’s clearly relieved that he’s finally been able to share a part of his life. I’m very touched.

We pack our coats and walk out together. Douggie enthusiastically waves at us and proudly shows the full basket of fresh eggs. Jill jumps to Douggie and loads my son with happy licks in the face. I hear Douggie’s laughter and I feel light and happy.

As always, Oskar reads my thoughts: "He has -at least- left his shadow. Now it’s up to us," he says.

I look at my lover's face. There is a smile around his mouth. I kiss him gently and feel his warm breath on my lips. His fingers are rolling through my hair. And when I look into his eyes, I know how we can deal with our shadow from the past. 


	3. Nightly reflections

_He heard the priest mutter a prayer, but he actually didn’t hear anything at all. The only thing he saw was the coffin that slowly dropped to the bottom in the ground. Somewhere he registered that he had a shovel in his hands and he threw a scoop of sand on the coffin._

_He looked up at his father, hoping to see something of sympathy, a reassuring squeeze in his hand, and a look that it would all be alright. But none of this. His father looked straight ahead and ignored his son completely._

_I'm alone, he thought. I’m completely alone. He felt tears burning behind his eyes._

_The funeral was over before he realized it. When the guests were about to leave the cemetery, Oskar was still standing at the fresh grave of his mother. It was a cold, sunny winter day and the sun rays cast shadows on the other graves in the cemetery. Somewhere in the distance, he heard birds chirping. The whistling seemed misplaced on a day like today._

_His aunt who closed the row as the last of the guests pushed the boy with a soft hand. He let himself be carried away, too stunned to protest. Mother, he only thought. Mother, why did you have to go?_

_The rest of the day went by in a daze. Everyone wished Oskar and his father strength with the loss. Oskar hardly got it._

_At home his father made it clear to him that from this moment on his mother was no longer spoken. "We have to go further," he said. "She is a closed chapter." This answer baffled Oskar and he made the mistake of saying this out loud. Even before he realized it, he got a slap in his face. His father then turned around and disappeared into the library._

_His cheek glowed for days after the slap. And from that moment on he decided to hate his father permanently._

Oskar wakes up, and for a moment he needs to realize where he is. _Of course, I’m at home with my beloved_. Oskar quickly looks at his sleeping partner. Douglas sleeps quietly, not aware for a moment of what just happened in Oskar's head. He gently let his fingers slide over Douglas' face.

Oskar falls back into the cushions and gives a deep sigh. The moonlight leaves a friendly shadow in the bedroom. "Shadows….shadows everywhere," Oskar whispers to himself. "How do I get rid of it?"

He can’t fall asleep anymore. He cautiously stands up, dresses and walks down silently. In the kitchen he puts a mug of coffee and walks to the window. The hours glide past until the first rays of the sun show themselves gently.


	4. Oskar's shadow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks for Killclaudio for bèta-reading this chapter and her comments on this fic!

"Daddy, what's the matter with Oskar?" my son asks me at the breakfast table this morning.

We're eating porridge and I’ve made a couple of omelets for breakfast. It’s incredibly luxurious that we no longer have to cut back on eggs and I enjoy it to the fullest. 

Oskar isn’t here at the breakfast table. When I woke up, there was a note on the bedside table stating that he had already had breakfast and that he was going to take an early walk. "Don’t worry, it will be fine," it said on the note. I'm not at all comfortable with it, but I'm trying not to show my anxiety too much to Douggie. 

I pour another cup of tea for myself and top up my son's milk. "He looks so angry lately," Douggie continues. "I'm a bit scared of him. It reminds me when he was so busy in that church, only this time without a uniform. "  

I'm shocked by this answer. I know exactly what my son is talking about and it hurts me that he apparently hasn’t forgotten that event in that church. "No, Douggie," I reply and I try to reassure him. "He isn’t angry with you or with Jill. He suffers from his childhood memories. They've all come back to him recently. He didn't have such a pleasant childhood. " 

Douggie's face clears up visibly. He looks at his dog who is patiently waiting for her bowl of food. "I wanted to ask Oskar to go into the woods with me and Jill," says Douggie a little shyly. "But I don’t dare to ask now."

"Don’t worry, he won’t do anything to you," I laugh. "He is secretly fond of you. Do you want me to ask him?"

"I don’t like it when he's in such a mood," Douggie ponders. "And I've been getting along with him so well. He has helped me so much with Jill. " The dog hears her name and wags her tail enthusiastically.

I get up from the kitchen table and prepare a bowl of food for Jill. When I put the bowl down, I get a lick in my face as a thank you.  Laughing, I give her a hug. She's a real sweetheart, I think, endeared. An almost adult dog. 

"It's not your fault, Douggie. Maybe you better ask another time. I think he must first deal with his shadow from his past. " 

"You sound mysterious, daddy," Douggie frowns. "I don’t understand anything anymore."

"Business for big people, Douggie," I answer. "Shall we clean up together? When he returns from his walk I will talk to him. "

 

The whole morning I busy myself with small chores in and around the house. My wrist is as good as healed and I am glad that I can do everything again. I never thought I would feel so well -grounded in the countryside. Our house isn’t too big but comfortable enough and thanks to our chicken coop we always have fresh eggs. Next to our barn is a small vegetable garden where we grow our own vegetables and potatoes. Jill would be satisfied to see me so busy. I smile. _I hope you have fun in heaven!_

I get extra logs behind the shed in front of the fireplace. As I enter, I find to my surprise that Oskar has come home. I’d heard nothing; no footstep, no cracking, nothing. Oskar still has the gift of silently entering a room without you noticing it. His backpack is in a corner of the room and his winter coat hangs over a chair. I see him sitting near the fire. His eyes are closed. 

"Oskar," I say softly. "Oskar…" 

When he hears his name he turns around and when he sees me he gets up and walks towards me. He takes me in his arms and before I can say anything I feel his mouth on mine. What a happiness that Douggie and Jill aren’t here, I think just before I lose myself in lust and desire.  I only have eyes for my lover. I feel his hands, his gasping breath and his passionate kisses. I can clearly feel his heat and his erection, and I feel myself becoming hard too. Everything I had thought of to say to him this morning disappears like snow in the sun.


	5. Farewell shadows

The bedroom is too far away. We let ourselves fall on the couch, panting and yielding to our desires. Our clothes are sliding away and I feel his hard body against mine. "Oskar," I try again, but he kisses me silent. "Sssh ... please don't say anything," he whispers. I see the longing look in his eyes and slowly I feel how we become one. _Indeed, words are unnecessary!_

A  while later we’re lying exhausted on the couch, our bodies glistening with sweat and effort. I lie relaxed on the body of my beloved and calmly listening to the cadence of his breathing. His eyes are half closed but he smiles dreamily at me. I let my hands slide over his abdominal muscles and I feel them contracting under my touch. His hands swirled through my hair.

"I missed you," he suddenly tells me. I look up. "I missed you too," I answer and I mean that. The emotional charge behind his words touches me deeply.  

"I had nightmares in the last few days," Oskar continues. “About my childhood, the death of my mother. My distant father. I had so many emotions that I just didn't know what to do. And I didn't want to burden you too much."

I'm about to say something, but he gently puts a finger on my lips. “Wait a minute, Douglas. I do realize. How you look at me, you are more concerned about me than you want to admit. And if you feel guilty because you think you pay too little attention to me, it’s not necessary. You said it once yourself: we don't always have to say out loud what we feel." 

A silence falls and I let the words work on me. "You’re right," I admit. "But I don't want you to shut me out. I don't want you to have a hard time. Just talk to me! Douggie was already worried about you. You reminded him of that event in the church when you were still... " I become silent when I see Oskar's face. It visibly hurts him when I pick up that event again. "That had never been my intention," he whispers, hardly intelligible.

I kiss him on the tip of his nose. “I know that and Douggie knows that too. He wants to ask you next time to go to the woods with him. Together with our dog. "

He starts to smile and his blue eyes sparkle in the light of the fireplace. "Naturally. I'll have a chat with him," he grins. "Come on, we should get up before they return from their walk, don't you think?" He gently pushes me away. I chuckle. My son is now used to our relationship. But being suddenly confronted with  two naked men is perhaps a little too much for Douggie.

After we’ve freshened ourselves up we sit on the couch with a cup of coffee. I’ve lit the fire again and it is pleasantly warm in the room.

"Have you been able to leave your shadows behind?" I finally ask. He’s looking at me. “The shadow will always be there. But I can handle it now. I admit I have done things in the past that couldn’t bear the light of day. But I can now face things instead of avoiding them."

I stare at a point in the distance. Dr. Oskar Huth, whom everyone was afraid of and whose stature alone made everyone cower. And what about me? I used to work alongside the Germans to protect my son. Logically they saw me as a collaborator. How did that all turn out afterwards?

“Are you all right Douglas?” Oskar gauges my mood. I'm watching him. He has changed so much. His face has softened. I see the worried look in his eyes. I gently stroke his cheek. He kisses my fingertips. And then I decide that we can handle it together. Together with our son.

In the distance I hear Douggie's voice and Jill's cheerful barking. My son is coming home. I see Oskar's questioning face.

"Come on, let's go and welcome them," I say laughing. He grins, gets up from the couch and walks toward the kitchen door.

Douggie is pleasantly surprised when he sees Oskar. He immediately runs towards him. My lover kneels down and takes my son in his arms. The scene touches me violently and I swallow a lump in my throat. Jill senses my mood perfectly and curls around my legs. I lift her up and press her warm body tightly against mine. Jill is so happy she presses dog kisses to my face. I can’t help but laugh at this sweet dog.

Oskar looks at me from the corners of his eyes. I answer his gaze.

"Yes, my love," I tell him silently, "I feel good." 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again KillClaudio for beta-reading this chapter and her positive comments! 
> 
> Thank you all for reading this story and the other 3 previous fics within this series. 
> 
> And for now we let our couple happily living together!


End file.
